TV Traffic Reports

TV traffic reports are almost completely useless. By the time you are able to use the information that the report gives you, the traffic has completely changed. Instead of giving full traffic reports, from now on the people that control the televisions (what mighty power they posses) should just give updates that scroll across the bottom of the screen, but not just any old updates, only the updates about the red sections and major backups that will probably stay backed up for a couple hours. Everything else just changes way too fast.

Restaurant

I have great idea for a restaurant. You know how just about every restaurant you go to has really stupid names for all their food, for example, the super slamming big boy burger. Nobody in the world would want to order that… how about just hamburger. So my restaurant is going to have a whole bunch of really crazy names for all the food. Some examples: “Come back to me” “nothing” “I’ll be right back” “something that is really awful” and it might sound a little like an Abbott and Costello skit but whatever I still think it would be a great restaurant.

Take Me Out

I figured out a great way to possibly ask a girl out. I’m sure it’s already been thought of but whatever. Somehow get a girl to drop whatever she’s carrying. You have to be creative enough to figure that out (I’m not going to give it all away… you have to do some work here) then help her pick up her things and slip in your number somewhere amongst them. Also, if you’re feeling lazy or particularly uncreative, find her in a time when she is focused on anything or is super focused on one thing in particular or if she’s just really clumsy. Write your number on a piece of paper and fold it up. Tell her she dropped it; give it to her then walk away. Preferably before she gets a chance to open it and read it.

Me Me Me

I feel like I always think about myself first unfortunately. I’d like to be one of those people that naturally things about others first, but I am not that person. I’ll give you some examples. A little while ago I went for a run and I saw seven different cop cars in five minutes and the first thing I thought was why am I being followed? Also if anybody ever yells somebody’s name out, I look. Even if it isn’t my name, I figure I might know the person. Beyond that, even if it is a name of somebody that I don’t know I still think it will somehow connect back to me.

Fear of the Future

I’m frequently afraid that my life will turn out poorly, and it scares me. I feel it’s only natural for people to fear for their future, so I don’t worry so much when I think, who will my wife be, or what will my job be, or things of that nature. But that isn’t what scares me (granted I would like my life to turn out well, but that isn’t what scares me). What really scares me is the dramatic turns that my life could take in the future, specifically that I might turn out to be a mass murderer and I don’t even know it. What if I just snap and start killing people. I’ve already started to plan out how I would kill somebody and what I would do once they were dead… I think I might have problems…

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle while a group of geese in the air is a skein.

Insert Name Here

I always have a hard time trying to think of a title for each of my posts. There is never a unifying theme through my many thoughts so I never have a title that covers everything I'm talking about. If anybody could help me in the future, or if you have a suggestion for me, let me know... (although, I have begun to make my posts smaller so that they only cover one subject... it's a long story, if you want to hear it, call me. I'm getting a little bored now that school has started).

Humans in the world should make coasters that are also business cards, or business cards that are also coasters. Then those same people should give me money for my brilliant idea. If this concept has already been created, I should get money anyway. The way I see it, I was just as smart as the guy who created this genius idea in the first place, so I should be entitled to some money. I’m not asking for a lot of money, just a fraction of the amount of money that the original guy got (and my money would depend on how much the original idea was worth, i.e. if the guy got $1,000,000, I don’t think 1% is too much to ask for ($10,000) but if he got $100, I don’t want to be a douche and take some of the small amount that he has… at this point he needs it more than I do).

My friend Joe and my brother (Ryan) created one of the crazy awesomest systems ever. It’s called the perdec system. For example, I think there’s a three perdec chance of snow tomorrow. It would be the same as a 30 percent chance. If you can’t figure it out, you don’t really deserve to use this awesome system.

I'm sorry this is so soon and so long, but this is the real reason for the post and it just occured to me (unlike most of the things I write... almost everything you see on this blog was posted at least three months after it was written) and I'm bored and I want to hear people's thoughts.

I was recently (about five minutes ago) going through my own blog to look at the comments (which has become a very daunting task… I go through all my old posts to see if anybody else has gone through my old posts and decided to comment. It’s always such a letdown because nobody ever does and it takes a good chunk of time and effort) and occasionally reading something I wrote and I realized that some of the things that I say are actually pretty funny… which got me thinking… if it isn’t too much trouble for you, can everybody tell me their favorite (or one of their favorites) blog post of mine up to now. If you tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine…

New Cars

The brain is 70% fat.

Have you ever noticed how exciting a new car is? No matter what car it is or what condition it’s in, it will always be interesting to the people that know you best. Even if the car isn’t completely new, even if it’s a used car but it’s new for you, it will be exciting. People will get in your car (even if it’s dented and smells bad and it’s all ripped up) they’ll get in and notice it is a new car and they’ll ask you questions about it. For example, is this a new car? Are these leather seats? What did you name it? Speaking of which, I don’t really like to name my cars. There are four kids in my family, three cars, and two navigational systems. This means that there is a potential for twenty different names (if not more when you include the ipasses and the possibility of switching navigational voices and moving the navigation system to a different car) I never really got the allure of naming a car…

Dating Sites

I think it’s odd how some humans out there have created certain dating sites on the internets, for example match.com, chemistry.com, or eharmony. These sites are created for the people that are desperate enough to go out and tell random people that they need to date somebody. Also, I would guess that the people that use the sites are generally at least thirty or thirty five. I have no facts to prove this, but I would guess that a large amount of people that get married get married in their twenties or early thirties. This suggests that somebody created a website for people that passed through a period of their life where they were experiencing love and serious relationships but never actually tied the knot. Now they’re a point in their life where they are desperate enough to try anything. My question is, if I’m willing to try absolutely anything to try and find my life partner, why would I pay money to use a website that doesn’t allow me to meet with said partner face to face when I could meet up close and person with at least twenty people every night for free? (it’s called a bar)

Hot and Cold Food

First of all, I’d like to point out that this thought came to me while I was browsing thru all my other thoughts that I’ve written down. I wasn’t actually reading my other thoughts, I just had the word document open and I was scrolling through it… I found it a little ironic. Anyway, here’s what I was thinking: my mouth gets really messed up when I have some food that is both spicy and cold. Especially when it’s a little colder than it needs to be. Then it’s like, oh this is kinda cold (because almost nothing spicy is spicy immediately when it enters your mouth) then all of the sudden BOOM your mouth is on fire, but since the food is cold it’s still crazy because you remember how cold your mouth is, but it’s still hot because it’s spicy. It’s kinda like sauna swim (you get hot in a sauna, then go into some cold water… crazy!). Sometimes I just need to be messed up.

Big Mac for Scottie Mac

The Big Mac. First I would like to point out the presentation of the big mac. It comes in its own personalized box which shows the ingredients that come on the big mac. The box also advertizes how unique the big mac is. The caption on the box says, “What makes your Big Mac so unique? Maybe it’s how the double layer of sear-sizzled 100% pure beef mingles with the sauce and melty cheese, the snap of onion and the tart crunch of pickle. Or, maybe it’s just that it’s tall.” After I read this, I was expecting a gourmet delight of a hamburger. Or at least something that was crunchy and snapped. I found neither of these to be true. Truth be told I was pretty excited for my first bite. I couldn’t wait to experience the sounds that went along with the sights, smells, tastes, and feelings that went along with the big mac, but I was greeted with no such pleasures and that was only the first disappointment.

The big mac also advertised about being “tall” and I found this to be a bit questionable. I have definitely seen taller burgers in my life, and in fact, I think I’ve even seen burgers that are taller than the box the big mac comes in. Especially since the big mac is a double decker burger with three buns, I definitely thought it could have been bigger (that’s what she said). All in all, I would say that the size didn’t matter as long as the taste was good (this sounds so wrong… burgers people, burgers) but it didn’t taste all that good and one of the selling points was the size, which also didn’t impress.

Another main selling point of the big mac was its uniqueness. After reading the box, I got the impression that not only was the big mac as a burger unique, but each individual big mac was unique. For starters, they tell you all the ingredients of the big mac on the outside of the box and even though there is a “secret sauce” I have it on good knowledge (my father, Charles) that it isn’t a secret at all. Even if it was a secret, McDonald’s doesn’t seem to be any good at keeping it a secret, they’ll sell the burger to anybody. This is in high contrast to the krabby patty, which Mr. Krabs and Spongebob would guard with their lives, and I have seen no such heroism from the McDonald’s employees. Back to the point though, while the big mac itself could easily be duplicated, I also get the distinct impression that each burger is almost machine made. I don’t really have any proof other than the fact that in the past I have had one or two big macs and they’ve all been exactly the same. In other words, all big macs are basically the exact same thing. Again, I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t unique if it tasted good.

Up until now, everything about the big mac has been a lie. Unfortunately, I am unable to tell you about the cheese because I didn’t want to dissect the burger in order to preserve the integrity of it. However, looking back in my past dealings with McDonalds, I can say one thing for the big mac: in comparison to all other McDonalds food products (excluding fries), everything the big mac says, is true. For example, it is fairly tall compared to a bacon cheeseburger. All in all, I would say the big mac needs some big work. It isn’t one of my favorite foods and I wouldn’t even pick it if my only options were fast food options. It seems to me that the big mac is a good fit for somebody with an extremely low food budget where a four dollar meal would be a real treat (i.e. hicks).

Holidays and Mixing it up

Unites States holidays are one big celebration of crap. I’m sorry. Take a second to think about this… Thanksgiving- Thanks for the land Native Americans, Independence Day- Take that England, Martin Luther King Day- We’re sorry we killed you Dr. King, Abraham Lincoln’s birthday- Sorry we killed you too… don’t get me wrong, these are all great holidays, I just think they’re a little questionable.

I have a rhetorical question to pose for all of those people who read my blog. While going about your daily routine, how often do you do the exact same thing every single time. Take me for example, every time I walk to class, I go the exact same way… I’m not saying the same streets, I’m saying the same side of the street. This got me thinking, what if your soul mate did the exact same thing as you every single day at the same time, just on the opposite side of the street? You would never meet your spouse simply because you didn’t walk on the other side of the street. Maybe you should mix up your schedule a little.

Human Insanity

Insanity is itself a conundrum. We have people (who are quite possibly insane themselves) telling us who they think is insane, while the people who actually think they are insane could never be insane because they know they are, which means they aren’t. Meanwhile, we have ordinary everyday people walking on the street telling their friends about people who are absolutely crazy (that’s a crazy b!@#*) who most people would say is sane (the everyday ordinary person). But how do we know the “ordinary people” aren’t the crazy ones and the “insane” people aren’t normal?

I was watching TV recently and I saw a very curious show. The show is called John Oliver’s New York Stand-Up Show and I have to give it mad props. John Oliver has a bunch of comedians come onto his show and do bits in front of a live audience. But it isn’t a TV audience, this show is in a theater. This is genius. Now not only is he getting money from the people watching this show on TV, but he also gets money from the people that are paying to watch the show live. Of course this is a genius idea only if you like money…

Annoyances and Conspiracy Theories

I have begun to do a lot of really stupid things that just annoy the crap out of me (which makes me scared to think how much they could annoy other people). For one thing, I sometimes copy hand motions of other people when I think the hand motions are cool. That said, I think I picked this up all on my own (I didn’t see anybody doing it before me): I wave my hands around a lot when telling stories (and perhaps talking in general), but whenever I do, my fingers are always in really odd positions. I think it’s really weird and odd looking, but I can’t stop. I have also begun to realize that I’m a one-upper. It’s a kind of human being that whenever they hear about somebody else, they say something that’s one better (oh your kid was the second best swimmer in the state, well my kid is the best runner in the state and the smartest one to boot). As much as I would wish against it, whenever somebody talks, I always find myself thinking about something that I did that’s better than them… I might not always say it, but I’m usually thinking it. Last, my stories always take a really long time to tell… I think it might be because people interrupt me, which is why recently, when I’m being interrupted, I start to tell people to be quiet because I’m telling a story. I wish I could stop because whatever you’re saying is more important than what I’m saying… I guarantee it.

I’m beginning to think that the world is conspiring against me. It would be kind of like The Truman Show only instead of a show where everything in a man’s life is controlled for TV, it would be controlled to make his life worse. For example, sometimes when I don’t hear from my friends for extended periods of time, I think maybe one person in the group told everybody else not to talk to me, or people at Wisconsin are avoiding me on purpose so that I won’t make any friends. (Warning: I might be compliment fishing, I’m not sure. You don’t need to call me and tell me how great I am (I don’t want you to lie) and I realize that these thoughts are completely ridiculous. However, if any part of this is true, please call me and tell me so).

Brains in my Feet

All of the following was written on 12/26/09:

Today I was riding in a car to a fancy country club. I was with my family and we were all dressed up to go to my grandma’s country club in Michigan, with one exception… my feet. I had forgotten to pack nice shoes, so my options for footwear were my slippers or my tennis shoes. My family decided that the slippers looked better, so that is what I was wearing. On the way to the country club, everything seemed to be in order except my feet. I don’t know if it’s the same for you, (I only just realized this myself) but my feet play a major role in how I feel. My slips have a distinct feel to them, and it isn’t a country club kind of feel. It’s an open, comfort, leisure kind of feel. As a result of this, I had very mixed feelings about where I was headed for dinner. My head said we were going to the country club, but my feet told me we were going somewhere well known and full of comfort, like my house or my cottage. Furthermore, my feet were warm, so it felt a little like summer time, but I don’t normally wear my slips in the summer, plus my toes were a little cold… so it felt a little like the fall or spring. I was really confused (and amazed by how much my feet influence me).

As previously mentioned (see first blog post), I’m not exactly happy to have a blog (although there are certain people that make me feel better about it). I feel it comes with a certain stereotype, like oooooooh… you’re a blogger. I feel a little like a nineties college geek who blogs about everything he does. This was confirmed recently by my friend Colin. I said I was going to give him a preview of what might be appearing on my blog in about a month and he would see it then, then I revised that statement because I realized he didn’t know about my blog. I then offered to tell him about it but he declined, telling me that he isn’t really the type of person that follows blogs. This was enough for me (luckily for you, despite all of this, I will continue to post). This is also the reason I don’t use twitter. I feel like twitter is blogging on speed, crack, and any other drug you can think of. In other words… it’s really stupid.

Movies and Books

I think if we (the humans of earth) made movies of the lives of ordinary people, we could have several new blockbuster movies. I think, under the right direction, people can have extremely interesting stories to tell. We don’t realize how interesting our own lives can be when shown in the right way. For example, my friend Jackie (who is not an ordinary human, she is more than that (or so she has informed me)) described to me (and a couple other people) her epic fight with death by dehydration and it got me thinking, she could have a movie made about her. I’m not saying we would include every second of people’s live in their movies (like The Truman Show) but if it was put together correctly, I think a lot of people would have very interesting life stories. The best part is, not only would we be able to learn from other people’s mistakes, but there would such a large variety of genres. For example, somebody who has a lot of sexual partners would have their movie as a porno.

I think authors get too much credit for their books, and other works of writing. It is my belief that they write their books with absolutely no intention of symbolism or further meaning. The teachers of the world have made up all of the symbols that we find in books. They find deeper meaning when in fact there is none there. (I would also like to point out that my brother and sister (Ryan and Erin) agree with me that all this symbolism crap is totally bunk. Furthermore, Erin would like to say that poetry in particular has been too deeply interpreted).

Holiday Lights

As much as I love them, holiday lights are an abomination. The lights, while festive and entertaining, are dangerous. While I was a young child, my family would sometimes go out into the world to view the houses of the families that were a little more enthusiastic than my own. I always enjoyed seeing the lights. As I got older, I began to have to put up the lights, and it gave me an even greater appreciation for the lights that I saw all around. Back to the point though… holiday lights are dangerous. While driving the other day, I was paying attention to the road, when all of the sudden BOOM! A bright flash of light appeared to my left. Somebody’s lights were flashing distracting me from the road. Ergo: holiday lights are dangerous, possibly one of the most beautifully dangerous things I’ve ever seen.

Scary Stairs

Stairs are one of the scariest things on earth. I don’t mean they’re scary for old people, small people, children, or the walking impaired, I mean they’re scary for everybody. Next time you’re walking up stairs, look at how little material there is actually supporting you. It’s probably not more than a foot. I was walking up some stairs the other day (which is one of the most useless things you’ll ever hear. It wasn’t today, so it was any other day in existence, that really narrows it down. The reason I’m saying the other day is because at the time I’m writing this, it happened yesterday, but at the time that you read this, it will not have been yesterday and I didn’t think that the date was very important so I said the other day) and I looked at the side and it was really thin and it was only attached to the wall. I was half convinced that the stairs would collapse despite the fact that I’ve walked on them many times. I think I prefer the elevator. (I’ll include a scale drawing to further your knowledge of what I’m talking about).

Sorry it's such a bad image, all you need to know is the narrowest part of the stair is about as long as your longest finger (or mine at least).

I Think...

I don’t mean to get all philosophical, but I think there are some sayings that are just created to help people live. I’m talking about phrases that make you think, wow… that’s deep, that really makes sense… like it’s not the end result that matters, it’s how you get there. I’m not saying this isn’t true, but I am saying it helps people get through their lives. I was just watching a movie called Donnie Brasco. In this movie, there are two main characters, portrayed by Johnny Depp and Al Pacino. Al Pacino is filmed in a way such that he seems like a good guy, but in reality (moviality, in the movie), he is a mobster. In the end of the movie (it is up to interpretation, so I’m not actually giving anything away) something bad happens to him, but since we’ve watched the entire movie learning to love Al Pacino, we are forced to come up with a reason something bad happens. I think that a lot of sayings were created because of this.

The terms I think, I believe, and in my opinion, are completely unnecessary. If you’re saying it, it’s implied that you think it. There is no need to say the obvious. You wouldn’t say pass me the orange carrots or I’d like some alcoholic rum, so why would you say I think that sharks are the best animals (sharks are pretty great though). It would be one thing to say, it’s a scientifically proven fact that sharks are the best animals, but otherwise, it’s just an opinion. The only time that you need to specify is when it isn’t your opinion. That said, I won’t stop using these terms.

People Cards and Being Thoughtless

While I was talking to my friend Peter, I got this idea. I think it would be cool if people had stats, like on baseball cards, or like the sims. Nothing revealing or embarrassing like how many sexual partners somebody has had, but interesting stuff like vocabulary, spelling, and memory. So everybody would have their own life cards and you could hand them out. Or right before you get married, you play a game to see how well you know your fiancée or something like that. Nothing creepy, just little interesting facts.

It’s amazing, I never realized how much classes helped me think until I stopped attending them. I don’t mean they help me think about class, but when I get bored, I begin to think random thoughts. Many of the things that I have written for you to read are a result of my mind wandering and coming up with thoughts. Now that classes are over, I feel like I think a lot less. It’s a little depressing. Also, now that I've gotten a couple people that I hang out with a lot, I've stopped writing down my thoughts and just started expelling them to the people around me which results in me writing much much much less. I'll try and turn that around.

Montana Review

I knew it was only a matter of time before my cousin asked me to review music, specifically a song, seeing as music is such a big part of his life. However, music is not a grand part of my life. In fact, I only started to get any use of my iPod for music since the end of January, which made me think that I should start to learn music very quickly. I started to think about how to listen to a song and what to do to appreciate a song for everything that it is, even if you don’t enjoy the music. The only real conclusion I came to was this: you need to listen to a song at least twice to fully understand it, if not three times. The first time you can brief over the song to figure out what to listen for next time you hear it. Then listen to it again and listen to the lyrics and understand the words and what they mean. Then listen to it one final time and listen to the music and the lyrics together and see how everything meshes together. If there are no lyrics, you need to listen to it the second and third time to understand the music because there is a lot going on with the music. Listen closely. With that in mind I sat down and prepared to listen to the song Montana by Frank Zappa and The Mothers.

I actually listened to this particular song four times in a row to better understand it. The first thing I heard was brass instruments blaring out into the world. It made me think of the beginning of spring, how the whole world is waking up from it slumber, or the announcing of a king, coming out to talk to his people. Then you hear a deep soothing voice talking to you. If you make a song, it is a very bold statement to speak your lyrics. Songs are a place for words to be sung. Anybody can talk with music behind them, so the music being played has to compensate for the lack of creativity of the words. The music has to match up with the words and embellish them and create a magical sense of its own all at the same time. It’s very difficult to pull off well, but this song does it. As I was listening, I tried to listen to the music behind the words, to block the words out and just listen to the music, but I couldn’t. The way it’s put together, I kept slipping of the music onto the words. It was all so smooth and it fit together so well, I couldn’t hear anything but everything. It was sort of like sledding, you have to fight so hard to go up the hill when it’s so much easier to go down, except in the song, I didn’t have to keep going back uphill. Then as quickly as it started, it was over. Despite the fact that it was a six and a half minute song, it seemed less.

I listened again. The second time through, I noticed all the same things, and then a few more. I realized that part of the reason I was forced to pay attention to the lyrics was the dynamics. They do a great job with dynamics. As soon as lyrics come in the song, everything else quiets down and the spotlight is on the words being spoken. The words themselves are strange though. From what I understand, it is a song about a man moving to Montana to raise dental floss to sell to the people in big cities. I won’t read into it any more than that because I’m terrible at English and I think the whole second meaning thing is b.s. but you can take of this what you will. Then the song progresses and it’s a little of a cat and mouse game with the music and the lyrics. It reminds me of the game red light green light, one starts, then stops and the other starts, but at the same time the transitions between the two are seamless, and I figured out why. They use their voices as instruments right at the borders and begin to sing at times, but other times just make noises. It works perfectly. Then when we get to the music, there’s a killer guitar solo, but I don’t feel qualified to pass judgment on what I thought was a work of art. When it’s all put together, I would say this song would be great for, but is not limited to, a pothead who just wanted to chill out, listen to music, and watch TV or play some videogames quietly, most likely in a small group (four people tops, ideally two or three) or by themselves.

Like I said earlier, I’m not much of a music buff, so I didn’t remember ever hearing music by Frank Zappa, much less the song Montana, so I tried to prepare to evaluate music. Little did I know how well my cousin thought this out. I began to listen and realized very quickly that I had heard this song before. At first, I thought I had heard it at a party my parents had at our house in Wilmette, but a little farther on, a thought struck me. This song brought me back to the summer nights in my cottage with my family. When I was about ten, I remember (faintly, my memory is selectively good) nights when my parents and aunts and uncle would just party, drink, play music, and dance by the fire. I could be found doing any number of things, but I would be somewhere with some member of my family (brother, sister, mom, dad, cousin, aunt, uncle, or any combination of them) having fun without a care in the world. This song really brings back memories of my cottage, the most carefree place I know. And this isn’t the typical cottage; it isn’t some rich boy’s fancy lake house, it’s a cabin in the woods barely big enough to fit everybody made up of bedrooms, bathrooms and one big living space. It’s a place to retreat to if the world is bringing you down. It’s a place to be free. Of course there is always work to be done while you’re there, but that’s part of the fun. This song reminds me of those nights, when I would hear Celebration, One Headlight, and Montana and know that it was just a time to relax, eat s’mores, and have fun.