Tattoos and Scars

Tattoos and scars are sort of the same thing. Both are painful and last for a really long time. And often we get them while drunk. Aside from that though, they are not the same thing. However, while some people may want a tattoo to make them look cooler, there are certain scars I wouldn’t mind having to make me look cooler and more interesting. Like how cool would it be to have a scar from a shark bite? AWESOME! Oh what happened to you? A shark bit me, but I managed to tame him (or her, because female sharks can be way cooler than guy sharks) keep it as a pet for a while, then introduce it back into the wild… want to come back to my place? Yes. And there you have it, shark bite scars are cool. I could also go for a small bullet wound, but only if there was a great story behind it.

About 20% of the Earth is permanently frozen.

Revival of the Flyswatter

Apparently America is fat. I blame Texas (or if my movement succeeds, Texass). I have some ideas that could be introduced and enforced on the American public so that we get more fit. For starters, people hate flies, so man thought, if I could make something to kill these flies for me, I wouldn’t have to. And with that, man was smart, but man neglected to think, if I don’t have to this then that will happen and then I’ll be fat. And my solution to this is that we make the killing of flies exercise friendly. Instead of arming the people with gigantic bug zappers, arm them all with flyswatters. Then instead of sitting and watching flies die, you would be running around and killing them. It would probably also make our hand eye coordination better. And yes I realize this won’t make all people skinny again, but it is a step in the right direction.

The first electric-powered carriage was built in Scotland in the 1930's.

Camera Flaws

A while ago, I was really immature (now I’m just immature). Back in those days (high school era) different things were funny and different things were important. Back then, a fart joke made me laugh (now only poop jokes make me laugh), and I seemed to think it would be funny to get pictures of my classmates when they looked weird (only when I had a camera in my hands. I didn’t own one and I didn’t think it was funny enough to get one). So if I managed to get my hands on a camera, I tried to take a picture of somebody looking dumb. This is a lot harder than it might sound at first. Cameras don’t tend to take a picture when you press the magic “take picture now” button. In fact, a more accurate name would be “take the picture in three to five seconds after flashing a bunch of lights inevitably changing what the picture would actually look like if the picture was taken now.” So I propose that if you happen to find yourself in a designing cameras type of job, you should make the camera take the picture when I press the button.

Turn Signal

Whoever invented the turn signal is a genius. Not because we should be alerting other drivers of our intentions, but the way it was designed. Every car I have been in has the turn signal on the left side of the wheel. While turning left, the left side of the wheel goes down (and turning right, the left goes up). In case you haven’t noticed, turn signals function the same (left is down and right is up). It makes them so much easier to remember and so much better. Props turn signal guy!

I Don't Know

If you haven’t ever met me… I don’t know is one of the most common phrases uttered from my mouth. A lot of the time I just don’t care or don’t know the answer. It also happens to be one of the most useless things people say on a regular basis. If you ask a question and somebody responds like that, you have gained no useful knowledge almost guaranteed. If you ever don’t know the answer, make up something funny (but not believable… that might end poorly) or try and find something useful to say (that’s not an order, just a suggestion).

How's College?

I find the question: “How’s college?” very irksome. It’s very difficult to describe how college is going… so most of the time I just end up saying “good" or something like that. I’m not sure if people understand, but college is kind of a huge thing that can’t be discussed with a single question. It takes many many different questions for you to adequately know how my college experience is. That’s why from now on, I plan on responding: If you’re there or you’ve been, you should know; if you’re going to go, get excited and you’ll find out soon enough; and if you aren’t going and haven’t been, you missed out.

One in every four Americans has appeared on television.

Rigged Sports

I was recently watching the Stanley cup playoffs and the LeBron deal and my dad said something that made me reconsider sports as I know them. I’ve known for some time now that pro wrestling is fake (if you didn’t, sorry to ruin it for you). Every time I happen to see it, I can see them stomp their feet every time they “hit” their opponent. And I think Hulk Hogan said (on Hogan Knows Best) something like: in the beginning I was just a bad guy so they (the proverbial they, in this case, the powers that be of wrestling, which are humans (interested in getting the best TV ratings and crowds at the “matches” (plays)), no there aren’t wrestling gods) made me lose, but then the fans started to love me, so they started to make me win more. Even more evidence (as if that wasn’t enough) is that I saw a wrestler actually get a little hurt (on TV, I would never go to one of those things) and I could tell that he was hurt and so could the other wrestler. I could actually see when the other wrestler bent over to ask the guy if he was ok… it was pretty funny. But now for my revelation… what’s to say that all sports aren’t rigged. Maybe that’s why the top three free agents all went to the same team, because somebody already knows everything that’s going to happen in basketball because they are saying what happens. Maybe that’s why nobody has had a no loss season since the Dolphins. Perhaps somebody is behind all of the curtains…

Trees

I would just like to point out how cool trees are. AWESOME! Love them (that’s a command). But really, they’re really cool. Exhibit C: Christmas trees. But they’re cooler than just flashy lights and nice decorations. Trees provide one of the most crucial elements of most animal's survival (oxygen) while simultaneously taking away one of the gasses that causes global warming (which I have more to say about but now is not the time and by the way, the gas is carbon dioxide). Furthermore, mosquitoes like carbon dioxide, so going near trees should help keep them away and trees can be good shelter from rain (good, not great). And beyond that, some trees are amazingly large and some trees have had to adapt to their conditions in crazy amazing ways and even the internal structure of trees is awesome. And plant cells have cell walls which are super cool. Trees rule!

Auto Lawn Mower

I’m guessing most of you have seen the commercials for the automated vacuum cleaner that has a sensor on it so it just travels around your house cleaning and avoiding things it’s supposed to not hit. I think people should make a lawn mower version. Not only would it discourage illegal immigration (joke) but it would also make my life easier. I feel like there is one flaw with this whole plan though (no, not that it would travel off your property, I have ideas for that) which is that I doubt that the sensor thing works all that well, so it’s probably a bad idea to attach blades to something that is roaming around your lawn in random directions, just waiting to cut somebody’s toe off or de-tail your dog. Not good.